No one really tells you that becoming a mother means grieving yourself a little.

They talk about sleepless nights, diaper changes, and feeding struggles — but rarely about the quiet moments when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the woman staring back. You used to have routines, passions, a sense of direction. And now, suddenly, everything revolves around keeping a tiny human alive.

This is identity loss in motherhood. And it’s real.

It begins gradually — sometimes as early as pregnancy — when you start adjusting your life around a baby who isn’t even here yet. You pause your career, shift your social calendar, change your diet. And after the baby comes, those changes multiply, often consuming your days and thoughts entirely.

You love your child. Fiercely. That love is not in question. But somewhere in the haze of feedings and routines and mental load, you wonder:

What happened to me?

This experience has a name: matrescence — the emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual transition a woman goes through as she becomes a mother. Much like adolescence, it’s messy, confusing, and deeply transformative. And just like in adolescence, parts of you fall away, while new parts grow in their place.

But no one gives you a roadmap for that.

This isn’t just a phase. It’s a complete redefinition of who you are. And it’s okay to grieve what you’ve lost while still embracing what you’ve gained. You are not failing because you miss your old self. You are evolving — and that process deserves compassion, not guilt.

How to Cope With the Loss of Identity in Motherhood

Motherhood may feel all-consuming at times, but you still exist beneath the titles, tasks, and expectations. Here's how to stay connected to her — or slowly find your way back:

💭 1. Acknowledge the Loss Without Shame

You are allowed to miss your old self. Grieving the freedom, confidence, or passions you once had doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It means you’re human. Say it out loud. Write it down. Talk to a friend who gets it. Validating your feelings is the first step in honoring your evolving identity.

🪞2. Redefine Your Identity (Not Reclaim It)

You don’t have to “go back” to who you were — that version of you was amazing, but you’re growing into someone even more expansive. Ask yourself:

• What still feels like me?
  
  
• What new parts of me do I want to nurture?
  
  
• What matters to me now, in this season?
  
  

⏳3. Carve Out Micro-Moments Just for You

You don’t need hours to reconnect with yourself — sometimes 5 minutes of journaling, sipping coffee alone, or walking in silence can bring you back to center. Find small ways to be without performing, helping, or giving.

🤝 4. Talk About It — Honestly

So many mothers suffer in silence, thinking they're the only ones feeling lost. Whether it's a support group, a therapist, or a close friend, talk about the shifts happening within you. Naming your experience helps you process it — and might give another mom permission to do the same.

📚 5. Learn About Matrescence

Understanding that what you’re going through is part of a normal, transformative process can be incredibly validating. Read about matrescence. Follow accounts that speak openly about motherhood’s messiness. Let knowledge be your mirror.

❤️ 6. Extend Yourself Grace

You’re not supposed to have it all figured out. Some days you’ll feel like yourself again. Other days, you won’t. Both are okay. You are still becoming — and that’s a beautiful thing.

Conclusion: You’re Still in There, Mama

Motherhood changes everything — your body, your priorities, your time, your heart. But perhaps the most profound shift is the one that happens quietly within you: the transformation of identity.

It’s okay to miss who you were. It’s okay to feel lost. What you’re experiencing isn’t failure — it’s matrescence, a powerful, messy, and sacred evolution into a new version of yourself.

You are not alone in this. So many mothers walk this path, even if they don’t always have the words to express it. With time, reflection, and support, you can begin to reclaim the parts of you that still matter — and make space for the woman you are becoming.

Let this be your reminder: you are more than “just a mom.”
You are still you — growing, unfolding, becoming.

And that journey is worth honoring.

Resources to help navigate this transition can be found here. (connect resource link)